Don't Know Why I'm Still Afraid

I'm really excited to start classes again Tuesday. To have something to fill may days with, and feel like I'm doing something usefull with my time. Minus earning money that I never can hang on to. Plus just being around people again I guess. Socializing with people I won't talk to again after December.

I've decided to go on the medication. And find a psychiatrist. Maybe we'll get somewhere with it. To fix the depression, the OCD, and the anxiety.

I wish.

It's exciting just to think about a nights sleep without waking up once.....have I EVER had that?

My birthday was unforgettable.

"Everyone was just really happy to see you so happy"

I was really happy. I had all of my best friends around me. I wouldn't have changed anything about it. I'm sure the others would have prefered a puke-free night, or black-out-free. But I guess that's all in drinking. Gotta love it.

So much to look excitment to look forward to....making it easier to block out the annoyances currently.

Does It Seem Like That Where You Are?

It's really interesting to hear peoples first impressions of you, or even someones thoughts that has known you a while. I met someone a week or two ago and was told later that they thought I was "emo" and "depressed". This was after about 15 minutes of talking. While on the other hand a close family friend recently told me they thought of me as "someone who is very open. A 'what you see is what you get' type of person. Someone wired very differently then most people".

Something really frusterating is how easily you can get yourself down. You can have 10 good things happen in a day and as soon as one bad thing happens it's all you can focus on.

I don't have any complaints right now. I have a new car and a job I love. Plus I don't have to pay for school the next year, in fact I get a good amount of money back.

I have many underlining issues. Things that some day I really need to deal with. But almost for now, as bad as I know it is for me...it's easier to push out of my head.

Medication doesn't sound appealing for me, and why go back to thearapy when the last person told you there was nothing they could do for you?

I still have a lot to deal with, but I'm starting to think I may be able to turn out all right...

...Sometimes We Take Pills

How do you fix something so broken it has all but turned into sand?

This has been building forever. And who knows when I'll explode, or if the previous explosions have been the worse of it. I've been told to just forget certain things. To just get over others. And worse of all...just forgive.

But it's not that easy right?

Years have effected this. 10 years of horrible friendships. 6 years resentment towards my parents, especially the last 2. Bitterness towards the one person I can sometimes talk to over all others.

I'm starting to get too content with my loneliness. It's exciting me to think about living completly alone in a town that no body knows me. How pathethic.

The only breath of fresh air I seem to get is the times I get with my two closest (and only) friends.....so maybe I'll be feeling better again in two weeks.

I'm broken and I don't want to be like this.

Tell All My Friends I'm Dead

I've cried every night this week.

I'm sick of weighing out stuff on what I want to do and what I should do.

I hate bad timing.

I don't want to admit they were right.

I just want to be left alone in my room.

I hate my anxiety.

Panic attacks leading to pucking...

But most of all...the fact that all I want to do about it...

....is complain

Use A Smile As A Noun

I'm sick of hearing what's wrong with me.
Sick of people trying to fix me.
Sick of being everyones second choice...

I'm everyones backup option. When their real best friend is busy, or when their boyfriends at class or whatever the case may be.

It's lonely being the backup...

My iPod broke today. It made me sick to my stomach.

So now I have a silent 2 hour drive home...

A few days vacation is what I need. I just hate driving back into town the first time. It's very bitter sweet. I get reminded of all the good times, and then all the resentment towards the people in the memories comes flooding back.

...this roller coaster is making me sick...

blah

Skip Through The Story Tell Me How It Ends

It's days like today that keep my optimistic. Days where I know I'm studying the right thing in school. Were I get excited to go to my class and love every minute.

I love my Intro to Cinema. It's great that what others consider as "not having a life" means your the smart kid in class. The more movies you've seen the better. And I soak up everything we learn. Most I already know.

It was a good revelation when I realized I picked something I will love for the rest of my life.

Basically just realized today....

I'm in love

I'm such a mess...I'm doing the best I can

Exactly one year later...

When thinking of the changes since leaving they are drastic. I guess as long as it's for the better that's all that matters right?

At least I don't regret anything. I had to move. I had to rid myself of certain people.

It's all in the past now so why worry about the fucked up year and a half I just pulled out of...

Starting fresh...new apartment, the kittens, a new job, awesome (true) friends, doing well for once in school.

Basically I'm trying to really grasp this fresh start and be really optimistic. If I tell myself I'm happy...I will be.

So if I say everything will be okay...it should.

(I hope)