I'm All Right, I Tell Myself Twice

...I'm a bitch
...I'm too independent
...I'm insensitive

It's interesting to know what others think about you when they are being candid.

Set building got cancelled for today. When we get back from Spring Break we have pretty much no time before the play. Every day we have, we need. But since we didn't have practice, and I finished my book today I needed to find a new one. So Tia and I went up to the mall to the bookstore. So much fun. After like, what...2 hrs in there? We finally each found a book. But when we're both finished, naturally we're trading. Any ways, on the way home...with Tia reading passages of her book to me...I got random inspiration to write my graduation speech. So here it is...

Thinking of what to write for this speech may just have been one of the more difficult things I have done in my years at this school. I was thinking, “What do I have to say to my class?” nothing of importance that’s for sure. I honestly wasn’t even planning on writing this all together. Eventually I decided to think about why I was protesting it. Maybe it’s my senioritis at it’s fullest. Or perhaps because we are way to close to spring break. But then I dug a little deeper and figured it was because I’m not all that close to many of you.
Thirteen years with some of you and how many do I truly know? I was always the quiet kid, pretty much kept to myself. Normally shy and never really ventured out of my comfort zone. But one thing my friends have always told me is I’m good with advice. So something I’d like to pass on is a quote I’ve always really liked. “Anything that’s successful is a series of mistakes". In everything that you do, and that you’ll do in years to come, you will make many mistakes; it’s apart of life. Just make sure that with them you learn something, otherwise what’s the point?
Another thing, life moves pretty fast, so try not to blink. It seems like just yesterday we were on this very stage performing the famous ‘Wizard of Oz’. Sometimes I feel we wish our lives away, trying so desperately to get our days and weeks to move faster. Don’t get me wrong; I want to be out of here as fast as the rest of you. Just sometimes I feel like we need to slow down a little. We only get this time in our lives once and we should take full advantage of it.
You can’t deny that we’ve grown up a lot in the last few years. Remember when we were in sixth grade, and we had a class meeting with our current principal. It was on St. Patrick’s Day and he discussed with us how our pinching got to out of hand. Also the tricks we pulled during 7th Grade Camp. If I recall a boys cabin put someone’s boxers on the flagpole, or something along those lines. And I know people still joke about the HBO night in Washington D.C. We entered High School all together, but very segregated. We all still had our little cliques and popularity groups. But as we’ve progressed through our years in this school we grown together and defiantly had some good laughs together. And we’ve become what I’m proud to be a part of, the Class of 2006.

Going Out At Night Looking For Distraction

It seems like the only word that describes anything lately is 'crazy'.

Huge cop thing for 2 1/2 hours at my house Friday afternoon. Locked in my own house.

Movie w/ Ken. Got home way later then I should of, but way worth it.

Boink/Rydell concert with Tia and Rachel. Getting lost AGAIN on my way to Mason. Took, what? An hour to find it? Had creepy guy try and waltz. Eww. New CD comes out soon, I'm excited.

Brookshire for food. Tia gets half off, awesome kiddo. Should have split the peels. But now I have a second meal I guess.

Get out of Rachel's driveway and I received a drunk message from my father, who ended up crashing somewhere.

Then a call from my sister, laughing about the message she got, and say she too was staying somewhere.

I really am a good kid...home alone and nothing happened.

Alarm didn't go off...opps!

My aunt wants to buy my moms house. Meaning my cousin, (the one who is a model or something) may be moving to our school. I want him to move this school year so I can get him set up with cool people. He's an awesome kiddo.

Stuff happens so fast. My mom is busy packing right now, getting ready for a move in a week or two. So so crazy....

I only have to make it through 4 days of school. Then we leave Saturday, I couldn't be more excited.

There Were Hints And Allegations

Out of all things that I hate, I think I hate standardized tests the most. I've never really thought they judge how smart a person is in any way shape or form. And I've pretty much always been bitter taking them. I choose not to take the ACT or SAT because I wasn't going to pay to be told, you suck at test taking...it's already a fact I live with.

I've known all along that I wasn't going to get the Meap money. But since they give you three tries, I figured I'd work my best at it. I stayed up last night way later then I should have working on the online test help and actually trying to pass this thing. I went to the reading one today and I just about threw up when the readings were about history. The only thing better could have been science. Every paragraph and sentence I wrote for the responce I sat there realizing I was going no where with my point. I pretty much gave up after my second supporting paragraph. I barely got out of the room before having a tear run down my face, I just wanted to go home after that.

I've never had less self confidence and more hate for myself ever in my life. I seriously just feel like an idiot. Between this, and the ones I had to do in October, and my wonderful basic math test that took I think a total of 5 tries, I'm pretty much the smartest kid there is.

GAhhh

I hate school.

I need nothing more then a vacation.....only 9 more days.

And only 42 more wonderful days of school.

I really will miss it. I think I am the most attatched out of the seniors I talk to. I'm just bitter, and frusterated, and in need of.....some ice cream and a hug.

After High School is over there will probably be more things I will cherish and want back then the things I hate. I should just look at the good stuff in this year. I've made so many new friends. And when will I ever be apart of a play again? The fear of being Pat is the only thing that makes me hesitate on coming next year. And when will I ever enjoy my lunch on the floor next to a vending machine ever again? And when will I sit and color in english and be told that it's prepping me for college.

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal

You can call me Al

I'm in a better mood already. Thanks.

After All That We've Been Through

It's really crazy how things can completly turn upside down in the matter of days, or even hours.

Sitting thinking today, actually I think I was driving...side track - I'm in a love/hate relationship with driving solo lately. I love doing it, but it's to much thinking time. And what is it about thinking and driving, and listening to music that makes you just break down? Anywho, I realized that last night was the last night I'm ever going to spend at my moms house.

My mom is moving to Dansville. They 'why' is really lengthy but yea, most likely before the end of April she will be out there. The reason I won't be staying at her house is because as of now I already have her stuff all over my room, and with the cleaning/packing process I won't be there. And in the new house my room is going to be an office, since realistically I won't be visiting on a regular basis.

Just crazy thinking about not being under my moms roof any more.

And never living with my sister ever again.

So many other things on my mind also, but oh man...this is just clouding it up to much. It's strange how over night a phase of your life can just be over. Something with you for 5, 10, or however many years. I'm ending with some good stories, and awesome new adventures ahead of me....

Jr. Mints & Cold Shower Tuesdays

Today started with an experience that shouldn't have happened. Creepy.

After school practice was pretty fun though. Tia and I technically skipped half of it because we sat in the commons talking to Hannah and Kelly, but I really feel no guilt. I have nothing to do until set offically starts, which was later tonight. After practice though Tia and I went to Felpo to get stuff for Hannah. Then we went and picked up Coin Man and went to Ceaserland. It was a pretty fun trip, and I deffinatly kicked his ass in the police game.

Before going back to the school for another two hours working on the play Tia and I took our stuff to Hannah. She was in the shower when we got there so we just sat on her bed so we could scare the crap out of her when she came out. It was a pretty fun reaction and way worth it. We were able to sort of catch up for like an hour, making us only at Set for about 45 minutes but again, I really didn't feel to bad.

While there Paul came and talked to the three of us. It almost felt like a little intervention. To tell you the truth it felt so refreshing. I know, I'm crazy. But in the last 5 years of my life I have had no parental form what so ever. Following the divorce both of my parents turned into "friends" of mine and havn't set rules or anything. And I know that comes off crazy but it's probally a "grass is greener on the other side". Everyone wishes there parents didn't give a shit like mine, but I loved being told basically to shaped up...because he actually cares if we get hurt or in trouble. And I'm not saying my parents don't care about my well being it's just in reality I still should have certain guidelines, and being okay with certain things, as a parent...really isn't okay.

Then the 45 minutes we were at practise was fun. I wish it would have gone longer though. I don't regret in anyway getting there late, but it's really fun. The only people that show up are pretty much the only ones in the class I can stand. And it's just fun working when you're around people you can have fun with. Set days are my favorite. But yea, then gave some rides home and ended the night on an fun note.

I've had this stress in the back of my mind though. It's now been the result in some pretty horrible dreams the last few nights and I'm seriously starting to get freaked out. Sometimes I really concern myself...

Where are you?
And I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep
I cannot dream tonight

So Take The Photographs, And Still Frames In Your Mind

I got home and flopped down on my bed. Didn't even turn the lights on. I was the only one in the house and everything was just still. I opened my shades and watched as cars pass. I love this time of the year. You can just feel in the air that summer is around the corner, and yet you still can't leave the house without a sweatshirt. A few cars passed, most going way to fast for my street, and it only took a few minutes before I realized how badly of smoke I smelled. After brushing aside the fact that I smell could lead to more speculation on what really goes on when I spend hours in more room, it made me think of the Spags days. And I laid there for a really long time, with memories just flooding back to me.

Remember when we yelled at people from inside the boat?
Remember when we had to ride our bikes everywhere?
Or how about getting rides from our parents?
Remember stealing the cardboard cut out?
And our awesome Green Day concert.
How about the cowboy hat?
I'll never forget the day in the park, with the ducks.
Remeber the trips to 'The Pits'?
Or how about when we were "resturant sluts"?
How about the crazy Christmas present?
Remember how we used 'obese' on a daily basis?
And when I was going to put sticky notes on that guys car?
I still wish you had stuck your gum in that kids hair.
Remember our quote book?
I'm still slightly confused as to what that whole 'Cake' thing was...
And the text about "stopping" still makes me laugh.
Once again, thanks for shaving.
Remember how wax amused us for way longer then it should have?
And who even knows what numbers we're at, I think we left off at 66?
"Her boyfriend was into weird shit"
Remember the night we couldn't even pay to leave Bubble Island?
Or when we played Connect Four? I'm still champion...
And once again, there is no Frank
Remember figuring out the 'First Class Bathrooms'?
Or reading on the floor in the book store?
Better yet, that lady hearing us talk about "it could be hard"?
And who can forget when you got stuck in the sweater, and I had to undress you?
One of these days I will rule at tripping, PS.
And how sweet was the night we were all talking until 5?
And even though I'll never understand the rules, I won't forget that 'Snowflake' game.
Or farther back, how about when Catch Phrase was the thing to do on a Friday?
And Thursday's was what we longed for.
And when we way overused the phrase "Do It".
I loved when we would go swing, just for the hell of it.
Or the time we danced in the rain?

Some memories you just hang on to forever....

"I live for nights I'll never remember, with friends I'll never forget"

It's Stupid, Contagious

Just because I'd rather not be home doesn't mean I'm a bad kid.

And just because I stay in my room, keep to myself, doesn't mean I'm a pot head.

And I don't have a job not because I'm not motivated, but maybe because I have my mothers perspective on growing up. And I'm not sorry for that.

And I'm not sorry that I found people I enjoy being around, and you arn't one of them.

Or that I don't want to choose any more.

I also don't feel bad about being selfish. That's suppose to be my day to shine, back the fuck off.

And I'd rather be overly concerned then not give a shit about you.

And no I'm not falling over the edge, I'm a long ways away from it. I have a good hold on my life don't worry, and awesome friends that would slap me if I loose focus on that.

I can't change the fact that I was lazy when I was younger. But I'm paying the price now, what more can I do?

I'm not going to sit here and regret my mistakes, can't I just learn from them and move on?

It's also not my fault that you screwed up my perception of a good relationship.

And I'm not really sorry if you feel this is complaining....when in fact this is me telling you, I just don't care.

I don't care about your judgement, or the disgusted looks you give me. I don't care if you're concerned, I have more important people that watch out for me.

Can you take this life
Can you make it right
Do you have the words to say to make it
All go away
You act so wise and so refined
You can keep your lies 'cause I'm
Never gonna go your way
What's wrong with the one I'm leadin
What's wrong with a little fun
Everybody needs to find their something

Guess I Don’t Really Know, What I Was Thinking

I can't do wrong, I can't do right
I wish someone could feel
And understand the way I think
The note she left it took me by surprise
Remember the time we wrote our names upon the wall
This is becoming too routine for me
It's my fault that it fell apart
Look at all the things we've been through.
She’s been thinking, wishing she could hide
And everything happens for a reason
Can't you see my front is crumbling down
Why do I want what I can't get
I know I talk in circles
I check my caller ID now there's every number but the one i want to see.
She's gonna break soon

Sometimes I Give Myself The Creeps

Got an extra day off. Something I wish I had known ahead of time, could have done stuff Wednesday night. Woke up and got ready for school. Nobody informed me on the snow day. By the time I was all ready I was awake, and never went back to sleep. Got chocolate milk and donuts. Watched Price is Right, eventually ended up at Best Buy, Bubble Island, DDR, Riding the bike in the house, Danielle's w/ a kid from camp.

Tried the massage stuff Friday with my mom and Ashley. I'm seriously already addicted. I want to start going after school. Even if it doesn't help with anything, it feels good and is free. I'm hooked. Ended up hanging out with some new kiddos. Some Lansing stuff, a random Mason thing. Fun night. Got home at 3, second night in a row. So sleep deprived.

Massage stuff again. Then a birthday party at Spag's, I can only take so much of little kids. Headed out an hour early for the concert. Went for pancakes, didn't even order any. Got lost...good thing we left early on accident. Got in free because Tia stuck her hand through the mail slot in the door. I love live bands. Boink was awesome, Rydell was sweet too...I think they do all cover songs though. I knew a lot of their stuff. Met Justin, got Tia a picture. He's a friend of the bands, I think the hot bass guy talked to us. Tried to go to Cold Stone, had random girls run out of no where. Went to Melting Moments instead. Then the bookstore. Got home at 11, earliest in who knows how long. Got home and had random people in the my house...all using my blankets from the basement. Got upstairs and saw the only blanket on my bed was the sheets. Couldn't go to bed until they left...where I am now.

I hate that I'm protective. I don't think it's appreciated and it's pretty much a boring characteristic. That night was what made me spaz, causing me to clean. I've never freaked that much in front of someone. I hate the feeling of being in charge, and if I say 'no' it'll only leave to disappointment. The worst emotion in the world. If I never wanted to again would you still hang out with me? And my point was proved, not wanting to just once made me dumb.

Deep down I love it, which maybe that's the problem. I don't want it to be the habit and be expected.

You win.....you always fucking win....

No, it's not the last time
'Cause i'd never say no to you



So close to drowning but I don't mind