As I’m Walking I’m Trippin On My Own Feet

Fuck the judgemental people.

It was a self-learning weekend, and it caused me to confront some issues...and I don't regret any of it.

Friday went shopping. Walked around the mall for way to long, got extremly tired. Stopped at peoples houses for a bit. Called Danielle. Awesome kid. Visisted Tony/Frank. Ended up at the Brookshire. Had free chicken, fries and Mountain Dew. Had random phone calls throughout the night. Tia made sure I got home safe, extremly paranoid. Hannah fell up the stairs. I woke up in the middle of the night with no shirt on...still confused on that one. Got laughed at by my sister, I guess I said "I love you" a ton of times.

Saturday, slept in. Got a hold of Hannah and took pop bottles back to pay for my parking ticket. Plotted out the night, got a hold of Tia. Ordered pizza, ate. Called some people. Hung out with Pat. Got back to my house. Made some stupid phones calls. So tired we fell asleep by 12.

Woke up this morning and made Hannah some chicken. Hung around for a while and watched the rest of Desperate Housewives disc 5. Talked to some people online/phone and got yelled at. Called Kelly up and she came over. I felt much better afterwards, talked for an hour or two.

It's out of my system. Experiencing it took the voodo feeling away and is no longer a big deal to me. It'll be a while before doing that again. I thought of writing this a few different times throughout the day today. I'm glad I put it off though because my feelings have changed drastically since I went to bed last night.

I don't need to explain why I did it
and I don't need you to be concerned.
I don't need you to act like one of my parents
or to take care of me.
I need you to laugh it off with me,
or offer your help in a bad situation.
I don't need you to look at me like that.
I need a friend, who understands and doesn't judge.

"A tastin' from the tree of temptation"
"You gotta be yourself to be happy"
"I think it was better yesterday"
"So bombs away and as they say
Well it's over now, it's over now "

"...After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."

Can I Lay In Your Bed All Day?

Why do they always do this to me?

I was finally set. I had made up my mind and was going to put it off until the play is over. The play is over and now they bring up a new option. And it isn't that it isn't a good idea, it actually makes more since. It's the end of January and I havn't decided yet. Goodness.

Why are they on the same side. They both think that it would make more since, and it does. If I could live there I would do that. I can't live at home. Not because I can't stand 'home'. I would live here in a heartbeat if I could. I just know I'll get in a slump. I won't bother meeting new people, because all my friends would be still as close. A fresh start is what I need. He understands that, he says he wished the same thing.

If money wasn't an issue.

It's their fault it is an issue.

Maybe my problem is I run through my head deep down over and over, "if you don't think about it...it won't happen". I'm scared to death. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Any one in my grade seems to already know what they're doing. If not, then I think we're all faking it here. Then anyone else I'm close to doesn't have to worry about this for another year or two.

While I'm at it....Fuck Calculators.

Sounds like he is okay with no job. He never came out and said it but he realizes the complications. You have no idea how happy that makes me. April 27th is the next play, which means early April we get extremly busy. By the time I found one I'd need to quit. To bad the last job turned bad, I could walk in there tomorrow and start and leave whenever I wanted. I picked the days of the week I wanted and everything. If only they weren't located where they are...

Feburary 9th I'm going to die.

I never realized it until now...but I really do love flowers.

It drives me nuts I can't get you out of my head.

I looked into your eyes today and realized how proud I am of you. I strive for that courage...

'Cause I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it.
I'll keep singing this lie, I'll keep singing this lie.

I Don't Need Your Sympathy Or Apologies

It was getting to the end of our lenghty conversation when she said to me, "You know, I really miss you...". I hung up the phone and almost cried. I didn't realize it until just then how much we've drifted since summer. But that's what happens every year. We're best friends during the summer then we have our own lives and fade. Sure we'll always be close but...I just don't want to ever loose that bond completly.

And why are you both so fucking stubborn. Your to stubborn to admit you were wrong, and he's to stubborn to ever take her back. I don't understand it. It would piss me off if everything worked out in a way. Because you fucked my life up once and it would have all been for nothing.

She wanted a change in her life and that meant leaving. Most people get a new hair cut, or more drastically a car but who just ups and decides they're done. I don't understand. I'll never understand you. And now you're being nice, for what?

On the other hand I don't blame him for his stubbornness. Why would you take that back. After what she did, with no reason. Her loss.

It would make so much more sense sure, and a lot of things would be easier if it worked but we're not living in a movie. I'm putting it out of my head.

Went shopping today. I had to do something now that I have nothing. No practices...nothing. I havn't hit the reality of it yet and I don't want to. Reality stings. I'm glad to have a break and to rest from that group of people, but the last week although is the most stressful is the funniest week...and now it's done. But the next one will approach probally way to soon. Sounds like April 27th.

I hate feeling mean, or feeling selfish. Am I being selfish right now? Isn't it a situation where I'm suppose to be. I'm suppose to think about my happiness right now first, right? To make them happy would go against everything I want. I hate when people try to give their opinion to. I felt horrible reading the message last night..."Im sorry"....what was I suppose to say. I don't know how I get myself into these things all the time.

Nice Personality

We've had 5 performances so far. 3 teasers, and 2 actual ones. And now we're down to the last two nights. All the stage crew and lights and all us cool people were discussing last night how everything was flawless. Stuff was moving fast, and it was just so much fun. This week is going by so fast I hate it. I'll never understand how you can be so close to about 40 people for about a week, but the 3 months leading up to it you'd love to kill every single one of them. I wish our class could have been like this since August. It happens every time though. There is something about a performance that gives the cast, crew, pit and any one involved a whole new bond.

After the performance last night we did our traditional dinner. We all went to pizza hut and it was pretty crazy. I mean, Justin gave a mini speech, I have Neil rapping for me on camera. Some ridiculous pictures from the table behind us. It was an awesome night.

The good thing about being this ridiculously busy is I have no issue sleeping. As soon as I lay down I'm completely out, it almost hurts. Driving home last night was awesome, singing to 'Bye Bye Birdie' sent me back a year. That play will always be awesome for a number of reasons, but this one is also climbing the charts. I've never before put so much of myself into something. And that's the only frustrating thing for me. Unless you see what goes on behind the scenes or have done a play before you only see the actors. I had people commenting on the play and they assumed I had done hardly anything only because I appear in one scene. It stings to do so much and not get the regonition you should, but I guess that would be greedy. When it comes down to it, the important people that really matter appreciate it.

I only went to school yesterday for one reason, then it turned into the worst day in the world. 1st hour I couldn't keep my head up. Then second hour I was bombarded by a stupid audition video that was apparently due yesterday. She gave Chris and I exactly a week to pull this off, but it was during finals and a play. Bitch. Well its done, but it caused me to miss my 3rd and 4th hour. And lead to a break down at lunch. But that was mainly from sheer embarrassment. That's okay, we all have our little secrets.

"The reason you pull this off, isn't because you yell, isn't because you have power. It is because every single person here has respect for you"

Gotta love that kid

So bombs away and as they say
Well it's over now, it's over now
She's gone, yeah and he won't go away

The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music

I spent 16 straight hours at school today.

The play opens tomorrow, and I can firmly say we are ready. Everything is amazing. Seriously, I am nothing but excited to bring this to the public. We have put so much into it, we deserve responce out of it. I can't wait to see that auditorium filled with people just to see us.

I have blisters on my hands. I've had a headache for about a day and a half. Stress has made me sick to the point of throwing up. I slept for about 2 hours worth last night.

But minus all the bad things, seriously the pay off of a play, on top of that a musical, is so outstanding. That's what its all for, its down to the last four days and I can't wait.

After everything this class has been through and how much has been put into it we need a huge crowd. It's going to rock, and I can't wait.

I'm A Fucked Up Kid Is What They Said

This weekend has been pretty crazy. Not physically, but a lot of realizations have happened and stuff like that. And every day was exactly what I needed.

Friday was going to Grand Rapids and getting my mic. Seeing my Aunt Judy, then running home in time to see Hannah and Tia. We went to Bubble Island and a freaky movie, Wolf Creek. I don't plan on going to Australia any time soon now. Saturday I laid around all day which was wonderful. Watched a lot of tv. Then got breadsticks, and went to Meijers for a bit.

Yesterday Hannah and I pretty much talked hours on end at Bubble Island while playing Connect Four. I'm pretty sure I am the champion, but if you talk to her we just had dozens of practise rounds. Then we ended up getting breadsticks again, and I have no idea why. Finally ending at Hannah's where we randomly jammed out, and watched Se7en. Weird shit right there.

Today practise from 11-7, and I may not survive.

Sometimes I hate feeling like I have to be everyones wall. I have to be the strong one, because does it help the situation is everyone is freaking out? I do this at home, with my friends, and at school. People that don't know me probally assume I never get stressed or freak out.

I'm fucking freaking out. About everything. Lay in bed for hours hoping time will just stop. It's all pretty much a waste of time though, I can't fix it.

I've had way to many people on my mind this weekend. I mean, you've been gone for a year....you fucking hate me...God I wish you went away....the other kiddo is never allowed to leave....I don't think I could get more disapppointed by you....

And on it goes

"I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind"

Forget Regret Or Life Is Yours To Miss

It's crazy to me how some things are just so awesome. They can just completly turn your day around, or put a smile on your face when you're pissed off at the world.

Playing with wax
Bubble Island
"...To days of inspiration playing hookie, making something out of nothing..."
Barely making it to the gas station
Goofy Pictures
Reminiscing over summers past
Being able to make you smile
Letters from camp
Being giggly
Quotes that only we understand
Quiet one / Loud one
Ducks at the park
Turning into a phone person
Not being able to say no to you
Too young for Ceaserland
ICUP
The Tire Swings
Chocolate/Carmel
Jenga


Practise last night actually went well. We used sets, we sang with the pit and I think everyone important was there. For once I left having a good feeling about it. I mean we actually have a chance. Yesterday was all I needed. I hate how plays put you through emotional rollar coasters. I mean, you want it to be over with and all that leading up to it. And yet through the rehearsals for once you just have a blast and love it, and like being around the people and you don't want those few days to end. Then it's over, and you go from working on it every single fucking day to having nothing. You feel so empty. It's like going through a break up with 30 people because all of a sudden they just arn't there.

Some things I may have taken for granted again and again,
well here's what was said then
Hold your head high heavy heart.
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it’s the last you’ll ever get.
If we don’t take it, when will we make it?
I make plans to break plans,
And I’ve been planning something big, planning something big, planning.

For The First Time I Know This Is Now Who I Am

I'm trying to hold onto today as long as I can. It's the last time I can breath for two weeks, even though it's not working out to well. I just want to get through this in one piece.

Everytime I figure everything out in my head something new comes out. I want to just be content. I would love to just feel good about everything and not have anything bad to worry about or try and fix. Maybe that's what retirment is all about. Watching Price is Right all day, playing golf, baking way to many cookies that you don't need, playing cards with the neighbors...and just being happy.

Sounds like we're on the same page again. Which is a relief. I was glad when you didn't feel good. The thought scared me to death. It was a crazy night, but lets leave it back then, during break, where it belongs.

Muskegon scared me to no end. Being to far away to visit, knowing you wouldn't or couldn't come see me. I only pretended to be okay because it was the only option. The lady on the other end of the phone was exactly what I was looking for. There is another option. They didn't tell me about it before. I'm glad I was home that night, I wasn't suppose to be. She said I could go to Owosso....25 freaking minutes away.

I have support from the one person I thought would try to change my mind. She said it's a great idea, and it's way more "me". I've noticed every since school has started I've been learning what "me" is all about.

I'm not into the classy celebration, I want the one last party before I leave. I'm not into being away from home and cut off for all this. I want to be close enough to visit and yet dependent if I choose. I'm not looking forward to starting over with all new people, I'm going to cherish the people from now and only then meet new ones, not cut them off. We're very different and mom and dad don't see it. But at least we do.

Trying To Forget Everything That Isn't You

I hate this time of the year. Everyone is stressed, it's mainly just January. Man I'm glad my birthday isn't going on right now, because that would suck. But seriously, I mean everyone is stressed because they are still worrying about paying for all the crap from Christmas. It's when finals, and always when the play falls. I mean, who isn't stressed? I'm not stressed over finals, they are the last of my worries, and I'm not complaining about them. The only thing going on right now in my head is; the play.

I hate how some people deal with stress though. I tend to want to hang out a ton with my friends so I don't have to think about the stupid stuff. Some people block it out. Others seclude themselves away from people. Just something I notice, different ways.

My entry was just interupted because Jenny and Alise stopped in. I love those guys. All three of us have been so busy since school started we havn't really seen each other, and I had birthday gifts for them (OC posters). So they stopped in for about an hour.

It's almost 8 and I have no plans tonight. Some nights you look forward to not doing anything except being alone. But I was really hoping to do something. I don't know, almost boarder line depressing on a Friday night.

It is about the middle of January, well not really...but I mean with the play and everything it seems it. Any who, I still am making my mind up about college. I think I just switched again.

I don't know what else to write about that isn't complaining. Something insightful...

I know there is a quote out there very similar to this...but I love how you can spend 5 minutes with someone and they can completly turn your day from horrible to great. These are the people that I love calling my friends.

I'll Be Your Best Kept Secret And Your Biggest Mistake

Break ended on a good note. New Years Eve was really fun. Went to Karlie's for a while and was able to see people I normally don't outside of school so that was pretty fun. And I guess playing with wax is amusing. Hannah's house was also a lot of fun. Talking until 7 am when we all crashed. To be followed by only 3 hours of sleep, but a really good breakfast. Sunday I slept on and off and watched some more Friends, although I'm done with the season so I'm back to nothing having anything.

Yesterday Hannah and I went to East Wood for a movie. We saw 'Family Stone' which I've waited to long to see. It was a definate buyer. And we had way to much popcorn and I think I still have a brain freeze from my orange Hi-C. Gah. Then we walked around Schulars a little. I love when other people talk to loud and you can over hear their converstations.

Random Guy: "Bitch slap"
Random Girl: "20% of women have orgasms in their sleep"

Our drive home was unforgetable to be interupted by the reality once I got home that school was the next day. I couldn't sleep I love how that always happens. Way to much going on my mind. I just would finally get to sleep but it'd be for an hour or so then I'd wake back up. I have to stop doing this...

School is already miserable. Such a waste of time. And now I'm off to counting down until the play is over. Its really tragic how this is my last year and yet I can't wait for the play to be done. I should be enjoying this, I wish I could.